When my teacher was a professor at the University of Washington, one of her favorite
colleagues was Dr. John Gottman, the world famous marriage researcher.
John had a very interesting laboratory at the University of Washington.
That was known as the marriage lab.
Here's how it worked.
Newlyweds would come into the lab and have to do a challenging task with one another
such as building a tower with some impoverished materials, or
having a conversation about sensitive issues.
Gottman would videotape the interaction and
then analyze how the couple talked and engaged in conflict.
He would then be able to make a very precise and
accurate prediction about which couples would eventually file for divorce.
You might be wondering about which couples were headed for divorce and
which couples were able to build long-lasting marriages.
Displays of anger were not a predictor of divorce.
Rather, the key predictor of divorce was anger combined with a personal attack.
Something Gottman called contempt.
So, there's a big difference when somebody says I'm so mad right now I could scream.
Versus you are worthless.
Okay, you may be wondering where we're headed here.
We're supposed to be talking about business negotiations, so let's focus on
how you can bring rights and power based negotiators back to interest.
We are going to introduce five strategies for redirecting
conversations away from power and rights, and back to interests.
First, don't reciprocate.
The best way of extinguishing rights and power is simply not to reciprocate it.
Second, don't get personal.
When I work with clients involved in disputes,
I coach them to stop saying things like you are making me mad,
or you are so unreasonable, which is a personal attack.
And instead say,
I'm really frustrated now because this is a really important matter for me.
Third, send a mixed message.
Okay, psychologists have warned us for years not to send mixed messages.
I'm gonna give you a hall pass if you wanna send a mixed message
in which you combine power and interest or rights and interests.
In other words,
sometimes we need to show the other party that we cannot be taken advantage of.
In this case, you could combine power and interests by saying look,
I'm sure that my senior management team would love to get involved in this matter,
but I'm more inclined to work this out with you one on one.
Fourth, meet face to face.
People tend to use more power and
right strategies when they communicate virtually.
For this reason, solve conflicts and disputes face to face.
Finally, single-text strategy.
In the single-text strategy, you move away from hurling words across
the table to writing proposals on a flip chart, notebook, or blackboard.
You can make some proposals and then invite the other party to edit.
During this critical period set aside questions of accept versus reject.
And instead, focus on rank ordering.
Okay, I bet some of you are thinking, nice guys finish last, and
if I never use power rights, then I lose credibility.
I hear you, and I want each of you to be trilingual,
meaning, I want you to be able to use all three strategies at the right time.
Let's review three conditions under which using rights or power is warranted.
One, when the other party will not come to the table.
I would love it if the car dealer in Vermont who
has $8,500 of my money would meet me at the table.
I may need to use power to get them to the table.
Two, when you have exhausted all of your options.
You've tried using the single text strategy, mixed mode of strategy,
meeting face-to-face, and still, you are stuck.
At this point, you might need to say something like,
look I'm running out of optimism here.
My goal is to settle this but I fear that I might need to seek legal council.
Do you have any more ideas?
Third, when the other party is not taking you seriously.
Sometimes you need to flex some muscle for the other party to take you seriously.
Okay, let's sum up.
When we're in conflict, we get emotional and we're likely to use power or rights.
This can quickly escalate.
There is a time to use rights and power, and a way to use power.
When using power, be clear about what actions are needed.
But, find a way to help parties save face.
Remember, the whole idea is to de-escalate conflict.
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